HOW IT STARTED : MY STORY

I grew up as the quintessential “good girl” Christian. My life revolved around the church; I spent my days going to church on Sundays, attending youth groups on Fridays and playing in a Junior Youth Band on Thursdays. It’s also where I met the first boy I ever loved. I thought God had created us to be together, and I was hurt when things didn’t work out. The life I envisioned God made for me was gone, and I felt betrayed. 

As I entered high school, I began to detest the church and everything it stood for. In my eyes, the messages they preached was a false narrative and irrelevant as they didn’t address the real-world problems that I faced. So, I walked away from God and the church.  

For a time, it felt liberating. I was free from the sadness that the church and God had brought. I partied on the weekends and dated a string of boys. It was new and exciting. But, I found that the happiness I was experiencing was fickle. It came in waves, and nothing ever seemed to satisfy me fully.  

Confused and unbalanced, I grasped onto anything that I could control. By grade ten, my insecurities, need for control and approval of others developed into an eating disorder. Bulimia gave me what I needed when I needed it the most, comfort and the ability to manage my unstable, uncertain life.

By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I was struggling to function day-to-day and filled with shame because of my eating disorder. Even though I was married, and in love, I was lonely. We couldn’t communicate or compromise effectively and were young, and impulsive, which left us broke and living pay-check to pay-check. All the things that culture told me to do to be happy and fulfilled had left me more broken and depressed than ever before.

One evening, my husband decided to go mountain biking with his friend. That night, it was hard to see, and as he was nearing the end of the run, his bike hit a stick. He went one way, while his bike went another. His shoulder hit the ground hard, and it dislocated. 

It was the final straw that glaringly revealed how broken my life was. I could no longer come up with quick-fix solutions to an insurmountable pile of problems. With Mark off work, I knew we wouldn’t be able to make our rent, I was drowning in my addiction, and our marriage was on the brink of divorce.

I was desperate for change, yet I didn’t know how or where to start. In utter despair, I called out to God. I was angry and resentful and blamed him for where I was in life. I yelled at him, asking why.  

Why was this happening to me? 

I was drowning in a cold, rugged and unrelenting world, gasping for air, and desperate to find the ground. I needed help, and just as I was about to go under, God reached down, took my hand, and pulled me out. Before then, I can’t say that I had ever truly experienced God’s love. But in that desperate moment, I felt Him, and I knew He was real.  

What happened next was only by the grace of God. Mark’s dad agreed to pay off our debt as long as we paid him back, and my parents allowed us to move back in with them so that we wouldn’t have to pay rent. When I threw doubt at God, he responded by giving us the resources we needed to get ourselves out of our mess. 

The God that I had walked away from all those years ago gave me what I so desperately needed. He gave me hope for a better future. He gave me love to conquer my loneliness, and He opened my mind to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, He wasn’t against me.

After we moved in with my parents, Mark and I began to mend our marriage, we paid off our debt, and I slowly opened my heart to God. I started to go back to church and read the bible.  

But, as my life started to look up, darkness decided to encircle and crush me. I was pregnant with my first baby, and after my second ultrasound, I received a phone call from my midwife telling me that it showed abnormalities and that I would have to go to the hospital to get further testing.  

My heart broke for the precious baby in my stomach. I was confused and felt betrayed once again by God. Wasn’t He supposed to be a GOOD GOD? Why would a God that’s good, who just helped me, turn around and allow this to happen? I was distraught, confused, and hurt. How could God betray me like this?

After an amniocentesis, I discovered that my baby had Mosaic Down Syndrome. Depression clouded over my new found hope in God, and I couldn’t get out of bed for days. Nobody knew how to console me.  

I cursed God while at the same time begged Him for help. It was then that I learned the biggest lesson of my life; trusting and believing in God doesn’t mean He’ll protect me from experiencing bad things. But, it does mean that he will always be by my side and walk with me through it all.  

We can’t see what an infinite God sees, but the will of God is still good, and He will not leave us stranded. If we stay close to Him, he will remain close to us. When we go through hardships, loss, and devastation, God will use it to bring us redemption, hope, transformation and a life we would never have chosen for ourselves, but one that is so much greater. 

While I was out for a run one day, I began to cry for the baby I was going to deliver in a few months. As I continued to run through the hurt, God spoke to my heart and said, 

“I will take care of her; it will be OK.”

Goosebumps travelled across my arms and legs as peace washed through me. I stopped running, bent over and started to cry uncontrollably. All of my anxiety, fear, stress, hurt, frustration, and despair came out. And with it, brought relief as I handed all of it over to God. I knew I couldn’t continue to do life on my own.

At that moment, I gave control over to God. I knew He loved her more than I could ever comprehend and that He would be her protector no matter what happened.  

A few months later, Thea was born happy and healthy. Yes, she has MDS, but God was faithful. He promised me He would take care of her and He has.

Since that time, God has stayed by my side through many hardships. Although I started to grow closer to Him, I still had a lot of work to do on myself. God was patient and encouraging. When I wasn’t ready to let go of the things God asked of me, he waited. 

I was still struggling with bulimia, and by the time my third child was born, I knew it was time. I can’t explain it, but the day she was born was the day I overcame the addiction. What no counsellor’s strategies or my self-will could accomplish, God graciously had mercy on me and answered my prayer. I know that most habits require counselling and intense intervention, along with prayer. However, for me, God chose to show his beautiful power and love by taking away my addiction that day.  

But, the shame that came with the addiction didn’t go away, and it kept me quiet. I didn’t want to talk about what God had done in my life, yet He seemed to have other plans. God began to gently press on my heart the importance of sharing my testimony.

A few years after my third child was born, I began to grow restless. I found myself in a job I worked hard to attain, yet hated. I kept feeling like I was made for more, that I had a purpose and a calling. I was frustrated, and I felt stuck, yet I had no idea how to change. I kept asking myself, 

“What is wrong with me? Why am I not content or at peace with my life? When will I get to love what I do, to be significant, to find passion and purpose?”

My husband tried to help by telling me to find a hobby. But, I wasn’t passionate about anything other than shopping, and I knew that our bank account wouldn’t appreciate that hobby. I thought that having a fourth baby would be the answer but quickly realized that wasn’t the solution.

Months later, God opened a door I never thought possible; to quit my job and go back to school to become a teacher. Simultaneously, the seed that he had planted about sharing my testimony started to grow bigger.  

Years earlier, I had written an article that spoke about my story and what God had done, in hopes that it would be published. My writing never got chosen, and I felt rejected, so I gave up.  

But, sometimes God’s timing is different than our own. While being at school full-time, being a mom and wife, God called me back to writing. He encouraged me to enter a contest for writers to submit a bible devotion to help women with their anxiety and fears. I questioned His timing and was unsure I could put together something in the craziness of the season. But, He encouraged me and gave me the stamina that I needed to write the devotion and submit it.

Months later, I was on a recess break at a school where I was completing my teaching practicum, and an email popped up on my phone which said,

Congratulations, your devotion has been selected!

Tears of unbelief and awe welled up in my eyes. I knew then that I had heard God’s calling for my life, and He was faithful to bring it to fruition even if it wasn’t in my timing. 

Every one of us has a purpose in this life; to love God and share His gospel with those who don’t know Him. How we accomplish this purpose is through our calling that God places on our hearts, and it will look different for everyone. 

It wasn’t until I took responsibility to grow my relationship with God that He started to open-up opportunities I never thought possible. When I stopped going after who I thought I should be and went after who I was meant to be, I found the peace, passion and purpose that I had been looking for all those years ago.

My prayer is that God will speak to you right now, and give you what you need in this moment. I believe God brought you here for a reason.  

Following God and trying to figure out life can be challenging, but don’t give up. He has great plans for you; keep pursuing Him, keep talking to Him, keep reading His Word, and He will respond. 

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time, we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Galatians 6:9

You are loved, you are seen, and your life is significant!

Blessings,

Andrea Kettering